


For the Sake of Momentum

by PaigeTurner



Series: Bullet Points [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 20:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10544168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaigeTurner/pseuds/PaigeTurner
Summary: Natalya never tells James goodbye.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A short story, set after "All the Way Home I'll be Warm" and, well, you can figure it out.

12.01.01; 08:05

48.6977477,44.3757754 (Saint Euphrosyne’s School for Girls)

Natalya jumped when his arms reached around from behind her. She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him but he nodded toward the target. She refocused on the paper, 20 meters away. He slipped her ear protection off. 

“They’re going to take me away tonight.”

“I figured you were already gone,” she replied. She reached back and re-adjusted the headphones. 

James let her take her shots before pulling the headphones down again. “I don’t want to forget you, Natalya.”

“Give me something to remember you by,” she replied, unable to resist a sly smile. 

He kissed that inviting curve of her lips where her mouth turned up. They had the range to themselves. 

“Not here,” Natalya scolded. “Someone could walk in. The ammunition closet locks.”

Grinning, he followed her, listening for footsteps. 

***

12.23.01; 16:32

The rumor was that the Winter Soldier was on site, but Natalya hadn’t seen him yet. She tamped down hope; he wouldn’t remember her. She knew that he wouldn’t. It was hard not to hope that he did. She wriggled her toes in the snow, trying to restore some feeling to her frozen feet. Barefoot, in only shorts and a tank top, she waited for her sparring partner. 

“Nadia.” Dmitri grinned at her with yellowed teeth. 

“It’s Natalya.” She stopped squirming, trying to pretend she didn’t feel the cold as the snow swirled around them. 

“Whatever, it starts with an ‘N’, whore. Ready for your beating?”

She slitted her eyes at him in response. He swung a fist at her, and as she kicked into combat mode, she found that the weather didn’t bother her a bit. Dmitri’s coat was heavy; it slowed him. Her elbow smashed into his face. He spat a mouthful of blood into the fresh snow, and Natalya was pretty sure she saw a tooth in it. She didn’t wait; she attacked and didn’t stop until Dmitri lay moaning but still in the fresh powder. 

“You’re better than him.” 

Her heart leapt. She knew that voice. “I’ve been better than him for years,” she replied. “There’s no one left here who can beat me.” She turned to face him with a challenge in her eyes.

“No one?” The Winter Soldier advanced, throwing a simple punch. 

Natalya blocked, pulling his wrist to drag him into her counterstrike. “I didn’t know you were here.” 

Her punch landed in his ribs but he grabbed her arm before she could pull back for another. “Good hit, Natalya.”

She faltered. “James?”

“You must be freezing.”

She was sweating, actually, from the exertion of the fight. As soon as she stopped moving, the cold swept over her. “Now that you mention it.”

He smiled fondly. “Let’s go inside and warm up.”

Natalya nodded and followed him. They were barely inside the door when he pushed her against the wall and kissed her. His tongue demanded entrance to her mouth. 

“One thing about this brainwashing bullshit… everytime we kiss, it’s like I’m kissing you for the first time.”

***

12.27.01; 05:49

Even in his sleep, James was not entirely peaceful. He whimpered, and Natalya lifted her head to look at him. His eyelids twitched, his face sank into a frown before smoothing out again. 

Natalya slithered out of bed, willing the mattress not to creak. She padded across the cold floor to the tiny bathroom and closed the door before she flicked on the light. She squeezed her eyes shut, instantly regretting the light. She stumbled over to the toilet and, as she sat, her eyes fell on the trashcan. A single, spent condom coiled at the bottom of the plastic basket. Natalya yawned and folded a few squares of toilet paper, counting days in her head. 

She skipped flushing, afraid the noise would wake James, and washed her hands. Turning off the light, she gave her eyes a moment to adjust before making her way back to the bed. Next to her lover, she closed her eyes again and laid her head on his chest. She listened to his heartbeat and let the steady rise and fall lull her back to sleep.

***

12.27.01: 07:21

“How long will you be here?” Natalya asked. 

“I’m helping with some of the new recruits until the end of the month.” He held up one boot. “Where’s my other shoe?” 

“Check under the bed.”

“I didn’t remember you at first,” James admitted. “But I saw you. And then I saw you again. And then finally it clicked.” 

“Just until the end of the month?”

“January first I go back into cold storage. We can make the most of the time we have though.” He smiled weakly. “I wish it was more.”

Natalya stared into the mirror, combing her hair, and James approached her slowly. She didn’t react when he leaned over and kissed her cheek from behind. 

“I love you.”

She looked at his reflection in the mirror. “I’m late.”

James blinked uncomprehendingly. “For what?” He frowned at her. 

Natalya sighed and turned to face him. She didn't quite speak before something in her eyes gave it away.

“Is it mine?”

Natalya’s jaw tightened as she fought the urge to slap him. It was a fair question, she supposed, but it stung. “It’s probably just stress. Stress can make it late.” 

“That sounds reasonable.” He nodded and pulled her into a hug. “Everything’s going to be okay,” he said, resting his chin on top of her head. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

***

12.31.01; 11:59

“Five.” There was no party at Saint Euphrosyne’s. No champagne. No noisemakers. “Four.” Just James and Natalya, locked in her cell-like dormitory, chanting their own countdown to the tick of her alarm clock. “Three. Two.” Natalya set the clock aside. She wrapped her arms around James as their lips pressed together. 

“You didn’t say one,” he objected as they slowly broke apart.

“Everytime we kiss, it’s like I’m kissing you for the last time.”

***

01.19.02; 19:32

Hand over hand, Natalya lowered herself down the drainpipe. On the ground, she pressed her back to the building. Taking a deep breath, she sprinted to the gate and slipped between the bars. She kept her head down as she strode purposefully down the sidewalk. 

She didn’t need to look around to check her surroundings, she used any reflective surface she could see. She slouched casually through the drugstore. It took a few minutes to find what she was looking for. As Natalya carried the pink and white cardboard box to the register, her heart pounded. 

“Is there a bathroom here?” Natalya asked as she handed her money to the cashier. 

“In the back, yeah,” the girl looked at the bag. “But it’s more accurate if you do it first thing in the morning.”

“Thanks.” Natalya snatched up the bag and held it close to her chest, hiding it under her coat as she left. She kept walking away from Saint Euphrosyne’s. At the gas station, with her purchase tucked out of sight, Natalya flashed the clerk a forced smile and stepped into the restroom. She locked the door with a click of finality.

Her breath trembled as she exhaled. She ripped open the box and balanced the white-wrapped stick on her knees as she unfolded the instructions within. She read everything twice before stuffing it into the wastebasket. Hands shaking, she unwrapped the stick. Natalya fumbled to hold the stick while pulling down her pants and underwear. 

She managed to hit her target without making a mess and re-capped the stick. Then the awkwardness of wiping and pulling everything up while trying to hold onto it. And then the longest two minutes of her life. Two skipped periods.  

Two lines.

Natalya wasn’t sure how she’d expected to feel. She felt nothing. Those two lines filled her with a hollowness she’d never known. She put the test into the trash.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered to the bathroom walls. The walls didn’t collapse. The ceiling didn’t cave in. The floor didn’t open up to swallow her. She washed her hands and face at the sink and walked back to Saint Euphrosyne’s.

***

01.21.02; 07:30

Natalya awoke beneath a veil of dread. It had settled on her overnight like dew on the grass. Her senses were both dulled and sharpened. She moved through her daily routines as through a dream that might, at any moment, become a nightmare.

***

02.17.02; 10:08

“I’ve been given a month to finalize your training and prepare you for graduation.” The Winter Soldier stood tall, his hands neatly folded behind his back. His hair had been trimmed and combed. Natalya felt the dew began to evaporate. 

***

03.05.02; 12:10

Natalya had tried everything she could think of. She’d flirted. She teased. He gave no indication that he knew her at all. No indication that he cared. He wouldn’t answer to James. She picked at her lunch. A shiver passed over her as he sat down next to her. He cast a critical eye over her plate. 

“Eat.”

She gave him a sour look. “I’m trying.”

“The strangest thing happened to me last night,” he whispered. “I had a nightmare.”

“There’s nothing strange about that,” Natalya replied. “Everyone has them.”

“I’ve never had this one before. I was in a room with no windows or doors. A room with a dresser and a bed. Flowered wallpaper.”

Natalya’s posture slowly straightened as she fixated her full attention on him. 

“Hands began sprouting out of the walls and the floor.”

“Did you really?” She leaned towards him.

He grimaced. “No. Not really. I had a dream about a girl telling me about a nightmare just like that.”

“James?” Natalya tried to keep hope out of her voice.

His stony facade crumbled into a smile. “Natalya.”

***

03.13.02; 15:50

James rested his elbows on the table, his right hand draped over his left fist, his chin propped on his knuckles. He lifted his head and glanced at the stopwatch tucked into his fist. 

“Made it, but not by much. There’s no cushion, no room for error.”

Natalya pulled off the blindfold and looked at the gun. “This is a stupid test anyway.” 

“Handcuffed behind your back with a bag over your head would be more practical,” he said. He shrugged. “It’ll be fine. You’ll do fine.”

“I’m not nervous about the tests,” Natalya said softly. 

James frowned. “Then what? The surgery? It’s no big deal, and just think, then we won’t have to be so careful.” He waggled his eyebrows and leaned over to kiss her neck. 

“Do you ever think about, you know, children?” 

He paused, studying her wide eyes, the little crease between her elevated brows. He shook his head faintly. “Mostly I think it’s a damn good thing I don’t have any.”

She tried to hide her disappointment, but he saw it in her eyes. 

“You want them? Someday?” James asked. 

“No,” she said quickly. “Of course not. You’ve never once thought about a little someone who’s a little you and a little me?”

He gave a weak shrug. “I haven’t.” He thought about it then, looking off into the distance. “Someone who’s a little disaster and a little catastrophe. This is for the best.”

“Will I see you again between now and then?” Natalya asked, ready to change the subject. 

“Probably not. I’ve got to leave tomorrow for Hong Kong. They’ll wipe me when I’m done there.”

“Then you should get some sleep.”

“We both should.” He leaned in and kissed her. “Can I tuck you in?”

Her lips still tingled with the slow heat of his. “I’d like that.”

***

03.14.02; 02:18

38.8950877,-77.0672599 (the Triskelion)

“SHIELD HQ, how can I help you?” 

“Send Agent Barton to Volgograd. I’m ready to go.”

***

03.19.02; 11:03

48.6977477,44.3757754 (Saint Euphrosyne’s School for Girls)

The days ticked by, and Natalya began to understand that no one was coming to save her. She’d already passed her final tests, despite her attempts to fail. If she didn’t die during graduation, they would kill her when the discovered what she was hiding. 

She dialed the second number, the one she’d committed to memory all those years ago but had never used. 

“Hello?”

Clint sounded different. Natalya took a deep breath. “Agent Barton.” 

“What’s wrong?”

She wasn’t sure where to begin or how. Already, Natalya was beginning to regret making the call. At the same time, it was good to hear a familiar voice. He sounded so concerned. The last person in the world to care about her. 

“I wanted to thank you. You’ve done more for me than anyone else has,” she finally said. 

“Natalya?” 

“And I wanted to say goodbye.” She felt better with those words out. He deserved a goodbye, at least. 

“Goodbye? What's going on? Are you in danger?” He was wide awake now.

“All my life.” Natalya smirked to herself. 

“Tell me.”

“I asked for an extraction. SHIELD didn't say no, but I don’t think they’re coming,” she explained.

“Where?”

Natalya shook her head. “You won't get here in time. I couldn’t risk another call until now.” It hadn’t occurred to her that he might act without SHIELD. “Don't. Don’t come. Don’t throw your life away. Nothing can save me now.”

“Where?” Clint ‘s voice was low and rough, practically a growl. 

“Volgograd, there's a little boarding school on the west side of town, named for Saint Euphrosyne.” She mentally kicked herself. If he got himself killed, it’d be one more on her conscience. “It’ll start in a few hours. It will be over before you arrive.”

“Is the American there?”

“He left five days ago for Hong Kong. I told the man at SHIELD. If I knew where he was, I would've saved him myself. “

Clint sighed, the phone turned his breath into static. “Why are you calling now?”

“I wanted to thank you,” she reiterated.  “I wanted to say goodbye. Maybe, I just wanted to hear your voice again. One last time. I think you're the closest thing to a friend that I have.”

“You're welcome, Natalya. I'll see you tomorrow.” 

No. Dammit, Barton. She hurled her phone into the gutter, the plastic cracking. She stomped on it and kicked it into a storm drain. What if he could save her?

03.19.02; 17:00

Natalya laid down on the stretcher, dressed in a paper hospital gown. Time had run out. As they began to roll it down the hallway to the operating suite, Natalya did something she had not done since she was a child. She prayed.


End file.
